{photo by Billy Jarboe}

Happy Friday, friends!

What. A. Week.  ’TGIF’ has never meant so much.  My baby girl comes back home, today.  I can’t wait to have her perfect little body wrapped around mine.  Oh, I’ve missed her so.

This weekend promises to be nothing less than exciting, too.  My little sister’s wedding has finally come.  I’m responsible for the hair, makeup, the flower girl, a groomsman and photography.  Possibly even a little decor, too? *shew wee* I imagine if there’s an after party, I won’t be at it.  I hope to use the rehearsal, tonight, to do my own little rehearsal shoot.

Hope your weekend is nothing short of amazing! Plans??

The house has been too quiet this past week.  Lilie Jo has been on Spring Break and therefore went to spend some time with her Daddy.  I know she’s having a blast {bc we call each other so often} but she has been terribly missed.  But breaks are always good for everyone.  And like they say: distance makes the heart grow fonder.  As if my heart could possible hold any more love for that child.

In the mean time, I’ve tried to spend my week being 100% wife to Billy.  Our time has been good together.  Here are some of my favorite things from this past week:

• Walking in the woods and getting lost with cool people.  Oh, yeah, and Gus, the turtle.  He escaped after only four days.  I’m sad Lil doesn’t get to see the little guy.
• Getting invited to work behind the scenes with the media team at church.
• Sitting on the patio without having to fuss at little girls who don’t always play nicely.  But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it.
• Having the quiet house all to myself on the nights Billy works.  Sippin’ decaf earl grey watching the boob-tube.  {do people still even call it that?}
• My Wednesday night small group with ladies from church.  I love getting to know these girls.
• Sipping coffee made by my love.  That is seriously one of the most romantic things to me: when Billy makes me coffee.
• Instagramming.  In case you’ve missed the buzz, Instagram has finally become available in the Android market and this girl couldn’t be more please.  Instagram was the only reason I ever had for possibly switching to iPhone.  No need, now.  BTW follow me @meghannchapman
• Sitting in Centennial Park with Billy after our Nashville errand yesterday.  We took a picnic, threw the frisbee and I drew some.  It was a pretty much perfect day, really.

And that wraps up my adult-only week of goodness.  My baby comes home this evening and Mama couldn’t be more excited to see her.  Seven whole days, she has been gone.  Much too long, if you ask me.  But I admit, its a great little cushion for this last month of school.  Maybe it won’t be quite as stressful with a better state of mind.

But enough about me.  What about you?  What’s your favorite thing from this past week?

As a child of divorce as well as a mother who’s experienced divorce, I’ve had a lot of experience {good and bad} with step parents.  In fact, you might say I’m an expert–figuratively speaking.

I’ve read and heard a lot of advice for how to parent children as a step parent as well as advice for parenting after divorce.  But its all from experts and books.  Do these people know from experience?  Or just studies?

I can’t say that I never hear much advice about how to parent with the other parent’s opinions and feelings in mind.  How to parent together.  Both of which I believe are important.

You know, like from a dad to a stepdad and mom.  Why?  Well, I guess its a touchy subject and I can completely see why.  These relationships are {most of the time} already testy and fragile for obvious reasons.  So, why push it, right?

But then, how does one know what waters to tread lightly in, in oder to avoid more controversy?  I’m a mom and have never been a step mom, so I don’t know what its like to be a dad, step dad or step mom.  But I do know exactly what it feels like to be a mother of a child I love and adore.  So, how do we approach such a topic?  I have no idea.  I’ve been trying to figure that one out for a while and still have had no success.  Let me know if you find something.

This is where I’m going to write it out instead.  It might not be right, but its the best I’ve been able to figure out.

Today, I want to share my top five tips of  divorced parent etiquette, the director’s cut.  The respectful way to parent, perhaps.  I hope this finds all divorced and step parents and at the same time doesn’t step on any toes.

My first tip is this: as long as the biological parent is present and holds a strong relationship with the child, do not ever ask, suggest or force a child to call a step parent ‘mom’ or ‘dad.’  They already have that figure and its disrespectful to overlook that.  I feel as long as that parent is doing their job and making an honest effort, they have earned the title with that child.  No one else.  To me, ‘mom,’ ‘mama,’ and ‘mommy,’ are terms of endearment that were earned with nine months of sharing my body, breast feeding, nights with little sleep, tons of diaper changes, sharing my bed only to get kicked all night, doctors’ appointments and so on.

I love my baby and have pretty much devoted my life to her.  I do not like the idea of my girl calling another woman ‘mommy.’  As much as Billy would love to have his own blood coursing through Lilie’s veins, she’s not his; and there have been numerous times she has called him ‘daddy’ only to be reminded of who her real daddy is, because he has earned that title and deserves it.  Billy respects the fact that her father is present and important to her, and that is why we do this.

Second.  When it comes to parenting decisions such as major hairstyle changes, learning to shave, ear piercings, the sex talk, etc., always run it by the parent on the other side of the fence and find an agreement before proceeding.  Though they may not seem like a big deal to you, but they can be to others.

Number three.  If there is something you know the parent on the other side of the fence would not let their child do, you might want to refrain from going against that.  If you feel strongly about your decision, talk to them about it first.  They may have a pretty good reason for making said rule that you may not know of or have thought about.

My fourth tip is to never, ever, ever talk bad about the other parent in front of the child.  Ever.  I can promise you, you will not see anything positive come from this for a few reasons.  For one, you’re only making yourself look bad.  Two, what are you teaching this child by talking negative behind someone’s back? Especially someone they love.  Three, what’s going to happen if/when that child repeats said remark to the talked about parent?  Do really even want to deal with it?

And my fifth and final tip is just to keep respect in mind.  Always remember to put yourself in the other parent’s shoes.  Always remember who helped bring this child into the world.  Always remember your way is not the only way and your way may not always be the right way.  You don’t know exactly how that child lives, acts or is parented at the other home.  And when in doubt, don’t.  Just don’t.  Call the parent and explain the situation.  Ask what they think.  I can promise you your good thoughts and intentions will not go unnoticed.

And that about does it.  I hope that helps someone.  Maybe even a torn child that doesn’t want to speak up them selves, for fear of hurt feelings.  I also hope I didn’t cross any of the wrong lines writing and posting this.

I’m writing to you, today, about something I’ve never actually talked to anyone about before.  Something that has me both puzzled and troubled.  Something you may or may not understand and may or may not be able to help with.

You know that freckled ginger girl that always seems to have a smile on her face?  The girl that grins at adversity and conspires against failure?  Oh, stop acting confused.  You know who I’m talking about! ME!

At least I think that describes me.

But inside my head, there is a fierce battle going on.  Its constant and never ending.  A battle between Positive Polly and Debbie Downer…kind of.  Let me explain.

I’m an analyzer.  You know those people who over analyze everything?  Yeah, that’s me.  I have a serious problem with over analyzing myself and my life.  I constantly find myself looking back and wondering ‘what if,’ trying to reason why my life and myself are the way they are, and comparing my life to others and how they are different and why.  And then I worry about my future and if I’ll ever actually reach my goals.

You’d be preaching to the choir to tell me I’m supposed to look at the positive, not compare myself to others or regret what I cannot change.  I know this already.  I actually make a point of practicing it.

But its not always negative, per say.  When I say I compare myself, its not to see if I’m better than someone or not.  Its actually no contest, because I do love the person I’ve become and I am super thankful for all that I have {and don’t have}.  My life is mine only and changing it would change me and everyone around me.  That’s not what I want, either.

So, what’s the problem, you ask?  The analyzing.  Its seriously driving me crazy.  I don’t know about you all, but my brain is kind of insane.  I’m not kidding.  I can’t control the stuff that goes on up there.  If I even began to tell you my random thoughts, you’d probably call for help.  That’s where my choice of positive attitude and outlook on life come in to save the day.  That and some prayer.

But the thoughts are still there.

I have said on several occasions that a psychologist really could do me some good.  But who has the time and money for one of those?  And I don’t want or even think a drug could fix this.

I don’t know that I explained it well enough, but that’s it.  Its kind of complicated and sounds kind of silly, though.  But if you have any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated.

As I mentioned before, our Labor Day weekend wasn’t a cookout/party fest, like it is for some.  No, it really wasn’t so much about cookouts and get togethers as it was about just slowing down and having a good time just takin’ it easy.

Friday night, we had to drive up to Owensboro.  Lilie was spending the night with her daddy.  Its an hour drive and we were in no hurry.  The weekend had already hit us and we were slowing down. Plus, I’m never in a hurry to give my girl up.

On the edge of town, we pulled over at some railroad tracks, just as the sun had slipped over the horizon.  Lilie loves trains.  I had my Canon with me, so we jumped out for a spur-of-the-moment mini photo op with Lil.

After dropping her off, Billy and I did sort of a mini date.  I love our dates.  We have so much fun just being together.

We went to the batting cages and felt like kids, again.  We found out I’m way better then Billy.  Ugh… I just realized why I’ve been so sore for a couple days.

We sat on the patio and drank iced coffee, at Starbucks, until late {11:30 is late}.  Then we went over to our old house to visit with a couple close friends.

Good Friday.  Great opener for the weekend.

How did you kick off your holiday weekend?  Any cookouts full of yummy food?  Get togethers full of awesome people?  Or more like mine, slow and easy?

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you may have read a post, this morning, similar to what I’m about to share.

Something is strongly on my heart this morning and I feel the need to get it out there.

Lilie started school on Monday and I couldn’t have been more happy or excited for her.  Its an all day, 8:00-3:00, days a week program at a private Lutheran school.  The fact that we’re able to provide something like this for her is a big deal to me.

When people ask me about her first day, I always get questions like, “Are you nervous?” and “Yes, but how did mommy handle the first day?”  Well, mommy handled the first day just fine.  The second day was just as easy.

And then there was today.  Day number three.  I think I’m one of those people that has to chew on things for a bit before I get the full effect.

I pulled up into the drop off line, just like the past two days.  A teacher opened Lilie’s door to help her out, just like yesterday.  We exchanged kisses, I-Love-You’s and I wished her a good day and she hopped out….just like yesterday.

 But as I watched her trot into the school and pulled the car away, it hit me.  ”Look how far we have come,”  I thought to myself.  My eyes filled with tears, as I became so overwhelmed with thankfulness.

I thought back to when her father and I separated.  How my life seemed to just fall apart in front of me.  All my plans, dreams, goals.  Crushed.  I had no clue how I was going to support us both and give her the life I so badly wanted for her.  

A point in my life where I had lost all faith.

 Now, here we are just two and a half years later.  We have a lovely home, a nice car, good clothes to wear, healthy food in our bellies, a great school with a godly environment for Lilie, we belong to an awesome church and we’re accompanied by a loving, loyal man to help and support us all the way. 

{Summer 2010}

I’m a planner.  A control freak.  When things didn’t go my way, I threw my hands in the air and faith to the wind.  I focused solely on supporting my daughter and surviving this life.  I knew what I wanted, but just kind of put that all on the back burner and just focused on doing what needed to be done. 

{Fall 2009}

I often look back on that time in my life and every time I do, it seems I find a new lesson being taught.  Through all the storm clouds, I now see so many rays of sunshine beaming through.

Today, I look back, again, and find something new I think God was trying to communicate to me.  ”Let go.  I have a plan.  Take a break and let me take care of things.”

Remember that control-freak nature I admitted to having?  I think God was using that event in my life to remind me I’m not the one in control.  He is.  I was just holding on so tightly, it took a really good shaking up to make me see things His way.  At a time I was so strong in my faith, I still couldn’t just give Him control.

Its only nine in the morning and the Lord has already reminded me of such a valuable lesson.  To have faith and let go.

 To trust He will get us where we need to be.

 I’d like to share a couple verses with you:

‘‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’’ Isaiah 41:10

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

Have you ever experienced a life altering moment, only to look back and see that maybe it wasn’t to hurt you, but to teach you and build you up to be the person you are now?  

I hope you’ll share your lessons in the comments below. 

Good morning, all.  Friday, it is.  We’re enjoying some nice company provided by my Dad and step-mom.  They’re in, from Omaha, for sweet little visit.

Last Friday, I wrote a little about how to cope with a divorce.  This week, for my Reflections Friday, I want to finish that.

Last week, I told you to make a list, of the pros-only, to the situation.  This week, I want you to sit down and give some thought to what you want to do with your life.  Its yours, only, now.  There’s only you and your child(ren) to make happy and look after.  What do you want to do?  Where do you want to go?  How do you plan on getting there?  You’re the one in charge.  Who do you want to be?  Make a plan and write it down.   Hold on to this.  Put it some where so you won’t lose it.

Next, when it comes to the opposite sex, do give yourself some time.  And I mean completely.  Emotionally and physically.  

No dating.  I’ll be blunt.  Please–I beg you–do not start sleeping around.  Not even with one person.  I think its a really good idea to remain completely celibate for a little while.  I’ve seen a couple people who have chose to move on quickly and it always ends up messy, long and miserable.

You’re head and heart are already on a crazy roller coaster because of one person.  Don’t add any more to the mix.  Just keep things as simple as possible for now.  Focus on you (and you children) and learn to maneuver this new life.  I encourage you to make friends, but I think its best to try to keep them of the same sex for now.  Less temptation and fewer chances of starting anything

Also, stay busy.  That helps keep your mind off the hurt.  Focus on work and helping your kids deal.  Play and do things with them to keep both your minds preoccupied.  Playing with your kids is a warm sunny day in a time of constant rainstorms.

Which leads me to this: if you do have kids, don’t let them see you hurt.  I think Lilie might have seen me cry only once or twice during my separation and divorce.

Lord knows I cried a great sea of tears.  But I made a great effort not to put my pain on her. Though she was only 1 1/2 years old, she was dealing with more than enough hurt on her own plus a lack of understanding what exactly was happening. Put yours on the back burner until they’re in the back seat or in bed (yes, driving seemed to be the best daytime place to cry without her being able to see).

Yeah, no pressure here.  You’re only supposed to be the solid, reliable, providing, rock of someone’s world.  No worries if they see you crumble from time to time.

And back to the opposite sex.  Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with.  I know you’re not in any shape to be thinking about loving again.  I’m sure you’re probably still anti-marriage in general.  But, lets face it.  Everyone wants to find love.  Every person wants to love and be loved.  Its only natural.

So, what I want you to do is make a list of your must-have qualities in a mate.  They can be as specific or as vague as you like.  My list included some characteristics such as a stable career (i.e degree or military), makes me laugh, a Christian, loves kids, likes to travel, enjoys spending time with me and someone who doesn’t mind fitting into my own life plan, and someone that chases me as much as I chase them.

Keep this list, put it up and hold yourself to it.  That doesn’t mean every person you date has to have those qualities, but the person you decide to say ‘I do’ to, again, does.

Keep everything that you’ve written down in an envelope in the kitchen drawer.  When you’re having a hard day–and you will, even months later–pull out your envelope and let those positive words fill you.  Change your mindset.  Stop looking back.  Turn to the front and look forward.  Look at all that lays in front of you, from here.

Live your life. Grow from this experience.  Don’t wait for someone else to make your happy.  Go find your happiness for yourself.

And finally: love.  Don’t be against loving again.  Don’t try to put a time limit on allowing  yourself to love again.  Don’t be too selfish with your heart.  It very likely will sneak up on you.  I know you say you’ll never get married again, but marriage didn’t break your heart, a person did.  Let yourself love again.

 Don’t try to boycott marriage from your life.  Its exciting, joyful and a blessing; not to mention incredibly romantic.

Amazon

Well, I think that does it.  Those are the lessons I learned.  I hope they help someone else.  Oh!  I also suggest you to find the book “Its Called a Breakup Because its Broken.”  Its a fresh, fun look at getting over a breakup.  I love it and can’t help but to admit, it really did help.

How do you deal with a break up?  Do you have any helpful suggestions?

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Its Friday again, already?!  Well, this one vertainly came faster than the last.  In keeping with our tradition of life lessons on Fridays, I’m writing to you about one of my hardest life lessons.

Coping with divorce.

I’ve written about parenting through a divorce and last week, I told you about how much keeping hope got me through my divorce.  This week, I’m going to start to share what actions and mindset I took up to help me deal with myself through this hard time.  

First off, I made a pros-only list of all the things I would get to do now, that I couldn’t while married to him.  Activities, hobbies, places to visit, career goals, going back to school, having my own place.  This goes along with my plan of thinking positive to be happy.

I also started doing things with my friends more–what few I had, then.  When Lilie was gone, on the weekends, I worked as much as possible and socialized in my free time.  I’m not telling  you to become a drunkard or party all the time.  I’m just telling you that I know being alone, with nothing to do (after seven years of constant companionship) is a big, difficult, depressing change.

Something great that came from my new time spent socializing?  More friends than I’d ever had before.  My friends.  Friends that stuck around because they liked me.   This was great for my confidence.  

Successful friends.  Friends that had the same likes and dislikes as me, the same kinds of goals.  Friends that were actually going some where in life.   Which takes me to my next point:  choose your friends wisely.  Surround yourself with the type of people you might like to be like.

You are the company you keep.  This saying is so very true.  It didn’t happen to me, but I’ve seen it happen to many.  If you hang around negative, drama-infested, going-no-where-fast people, you will get sucked in and you will get pulled down.  Its easier to pull someone down, than up.  Literally.  You’re dealing with enough negativity and drama with a freshly broken heart.  Don’t add any more to the mix.

Ok, I thinks that’s enough for today.  Everything else I have written kind of needs to stay together.  I’ll save it for next week.  Its going to be a good one.

Check back next week for the continuation of coping with a divorce.  And if you have a forgetful mind–like me–I suggest you to subscribe to my blog.  Just click the “sign me up” button on the right and you’ll get a single email each time a new post is written.

Until next time, my friends!